CrossFit Chronicles: On Ramp Day 1

• Compression socks: check
• Ankle brace: check
• Comfy training gear: check
• Buff: check
• Eaten enough for energy: check (worried that I may go into an energy low, I had my LCHF packed lunch… and also a crapload of Super Cs, jellybeans and half a bag of rusks. This may have been a mistake.)

Dear {insert deity of choice}, please don’t let me cry, puke, pass out or die tonight. Nobody may know that I am wearing two sport bras to minimise the boobage. I’m not the praying kind but I found myself in the parking lot of the Hout Bay CrossFit Box, chatting to the old gods and the new, hoping that I had some bargaining power on my side.

On Ramp: Night 1

“Hey, remember the days when we used to eat here?” Nervous chatter broke the mostly silent Box, where about 12 of us were standing around, eyeballing the interior of what used to be a Panarottis. Then, at 7pm sharp, coach Josh said hello and explained the importance of the two-week On Ramp course – teaching fundamentals, basic moves and assessing where we were at – before easing us into a warm-up. We practiced different kinds of squats and even got to play with some weight bars. Everything went well and it was all fun and games until the WOD, which I now know as Workout Of The Day. It was also our first official baseline assessment:

• 400m run
• 40 squats
• 30 sit-ups
• 20 push-ups
• 10 ring rows

It turns out that there is no such thing as muscle memory. From being IM 70.3 fit a few years back, my fitness has officially reached Glazed Donut Level. For real. (No, don’t try to argue and make me feel better.) I struggled to run the 400m. Not because of my ankle. But because it felt like I had smoked 30 Texan Plains per day for the last 10 years. I also learnt that doing 40 squats after a 400m run sucks big time. 8 minutes and 10 seconds later I finally yelled “TIME!!” before collapsing in a sweaty crumpled heap against the wall.

A short while later I clutched the stair rail as I tried not to fall on my face on my way to the parking lot. And then came the awkward moment when I felt around under my car seat for my super super secret stash of jellybeans, only to remember that I had finished them earlier… Perhaps I should also mention that getting in and out of the bath was rather uncomfortable too. My body has become jelly.

*****

“Try CrossFit,” they said. “It will be fun,” they said. OK I will admit… it was fun. Despite the fact that my only functioning body parts right now are my fingers, my eyelids and possibly my mouth. I dread tomorrow.

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